Looking For Answers?
This month's question pertains to a topic many single adults want at some point in their life...marriage.
Question: Knowing that young adults and single adults want and need biblical and practical direction regarding marriage, what are the wrong/unhealthy reasons to marry and what are the correct/healthy reasons to marry?
Answer: While a pastor to young adults and single adults for many years, many males and females would meet in our young adult or single adult ministries, begin dating, and before very long would become engaged and want me to marry them. Many times, knowing the brevity of their relationship, and perceiving several of their issues that would present tremendous struggles for them in marriage, I was hesitant to immediately say yes when they approached me with a date for their marriage.
I discovered there are many reasons people marry today, and that some of those reasons are very unhealthy and incorrect. Knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly, people desire to marry for one of several unhealthy reasons.
WRONG/UNHEALTHY REASONS TO MARRY
To escape singleness - Some people are so unhappy being single that they will do almost anything to get out of it. Reality: They fail to realize their season of singleness is a tool to help them grow, mature and become the whole person God wants them to be before marriage.
To escape loneliness - Some people mistakenly think marriage will solve their loneliness. Reality: The truth is, if you're lonely before marriage, chances are you will be lonely after/in marriage. Loneliness is sometimes a state of mind that can be changed with self initiative. That's not to say that marriage cannot be a partial cure for loneliness, but there are many married adults who, for a variety of reasons, will experience loneliness in marriage.
To legitimize sex - Some people have had a pre-marital sexual encounter and feel guilty (rightly so). Once a dating couple experiences sex it is highly likely that one or both will focus on the experience and want it again. This sometimes leads to the premature desire to marry to make it "ok in God's eyes." Reality: Sex is only a small part of marriage. What are you going to do the other 23 ½ hours during the day? How compatible are you besides physically?
To escape living with mom and/or dad - Some young adults see marriage as a panacea for problems in the home with a parent(s). Reality: The fact is, singleness has its set of problems; marriage also has its set of problems. If a person can't handle relationships in the home, how well will s/he handle relationships out of the home?
To provide a mom or dad for the children - Some single parents are so tired and frustrated from raising children alone that a person of the opposite sex who cares for them appears to be an answer for the lack of a mom or dad for their children. Reality: Children grow up and leave and you will have to face the person you married! What do you have in common?
To be financially provided for - Some people are not responsible enough to provide adequately for themselves outside of marriage and think a spouse will gladly help them. Reality: Although it is true that both people provide an income in many marriages, it is also true that an attitude of depending on another to fill your unfulfilled financial needs and wants will be recognized by your spouse. This can get old!
To fulfill a "need to be married" - Some people are just in love with the idea of being married! Marriage is seen as the ideal situation. Reality: Marriage is not everything some think it is or should be! It becomes a let down for people who think it is always the ideal situation.
So, what are some of the correct reasons to marry? In my opinion, here are some of them.
CORRECT/HEALTHY REASONS TO MARRY
Both have a genuine love and care for each other - There obviously needs to be a genuine attraction to, and desire to care for a person for life.
Both desire to serve each other - Marriage is more about serving the other person than it is about getting one's needs met. Love gives, hopes, endures, bears and serves the other to build up and strengthen him/her (I Cor. 13:4-8).
Both believe they can serve God better married than single - This possibility should be explored and discussed before engagement. What are your gifts and abilities? What are his/her gifts and abilities? How can they be used together?
Both know it is God's direction for them to marry and His blessing is upon their relationship and plans to marry - This conclusion is determined by knowing the relationship principles in God's Word and evaluating the relationship to see if it is violating any of these principles (believer marrying an unbeliever, marrying for the wrong reasons, marrying before God's timing etc).
Both have explored and discussed issues where there is disagreement and can accept and live with the other person's different perspectives - These areas should be discussed together, and in pre-marital and re-marital counseling (there are additional areas in a remarriage). Don't expect to change his/her mind on a particular subject or issue.
Both are sure this is the right time in their lives to commit to someone in a lifetime, legal marriage commitment - Schooling, finances, friends, career, personal issues, spiritual issues and other issues need to be evaluated to know the right time to marry.
Both are approximately the same level of spiritual maturity - This element may be debated, but I have found the more two people are spiritually compatible and are at the approximate same level of maturity, the stronger the marriage will be.
Both are marrying for the right reasons - Enough said.
Let's be real! Any marriage contains its own set of challenges and requires consistent work and effort by both spouses for it to be maintained and to be mutually beneficial. Those who marry primarily for one or more of the wrong reasons soon wake up to the reality that marriage is so much more than they understood or bargained for. Marrying for the wrong reasons is selfish and self-fulfilling, just the opposite of what we should be marrying for: to give to, edify and fulfill the other person who is the object of our affection.
Marriage is the second most important decision in life (after deciding to make Christ your Savior and Lord). It is wise to put much time, prayer and evaluation into this life-changing decision to that you will marry?.
The right person
At the right time
For the right reasons
about Dennis Franck
